Home – Is it Possible At All?

“Home means a safe haven. A place where I know I can return to after having a tough day out there. A place where I can remove my mask and all my defenses and be myself without any judgement.”
Credit: Jill Chua, 1 boy, Divorced, Executive Assistant

I came from a conventional family where I Love Yous and hugs/kisses are far from few. I have always wanted to have family with 6 kids and I could spend ample time with the kids witnessing their many firsts and be there during their growing journey. To be dutiful wife and loving mother to me was my kind of happiness. Bringing the kids out during weekends, cooking/baking for them, capturing their moments with my camera, travelling once a year as a family… and the lists goes on.

In 2006, when I was just married, Jayden came into our lives shortly. A blessing especially when he is my first angel. It was happiness overload when I carried him for the first time. He made me fall in love with him at first sight. How not to? The tiny features, hands, fingers, feet, toes, belly button … The fact that he was in my arms with his irresistible baby scent. Happiness was short-lived when we discovered he needed 2 major heart surgery during his day 10 and day 14 of his newborn life. 

After this incident, Home matters to me much more than anything else. However, the fear of a short tempered partner, accumulating debts by him, in constant fear of losing our home, my inability to support the family due to the growing debts, kids witnessing his outbursts, being the sole educator/caregiver of my 3 kids, makes having the dream of having the home I wanted seemed so far away. Family trips are as far as Genting when gambling was the main purpose. My kids never had the opportunity to travel on the plane together till now.

In 2010, I almost lose my life after giving birth to Clovelle. That woke me up thinking that maybe I should just give this family a second chance. However, my nightmares kept repeating itself. The longing for a loving/supportive partner slowly died off cos I know that if after 3 kids if I cannot change someone then I never would be able to. Changing someone with love is not possible and I learnt it only after a good 4 years. My love switched fully to my 3 angels which are the best things I have out of this marriage.

In 2015, the decision to move on was painful. Little to know that the one I used to love made it even more painful than I anticipated by trying all ways that had caused a great impact to me since then. Affecting my survival and leading me fighting hard against the depression that had been right at my door so close. All I wanted was the peace and time with my angels. I was being pointed as the one who broke up the family as I initiated the divorce but my heart was shattered over the years bit by bit. No one wanted a broken marriage. 

All the years I chose to end each argument through a silent retreat to my bed. Fighting back only when it gets too overbearing. Does seeking peace meant a way of being coward? I would say no. I would rather the kids not witness all this unhappiness especially the smashing of stuff, shoutings and threats. 

Since then, though we are still under the same roof but separate rooms. The stress brought to me had been immersed. Home is a place I go to cos of my angels. I no longer could feel the warmth. I pray for the day that God would give deliverance to him and release him of his hatred and let peace comes to his heart. 

For I am tired, 

tired of avoiding you at home at all costs of its too painful, 

tired of waiting for you to leave the living room so that I could have my dinner, 

tired of trying to deal with the dramas that had happened, 

tired of paying the debts I had borrowed out of love for you but you had conveniently denied,  

tired of living each day without the warm of a house cos I could not afford one with the kids now

tired of thinking how you would be fighting with me in court draining me mentally and financially, affecting the kids in the long haul

Home…

Just a simple 4 letter word and yet so tough to have.

God please let me have a home soon with my 3 angels so that I could:

• have a place I could call my own with my 3 angels
• have a place I could feel safe and happy to come home to
• move around the house freely other than my room
• bake and cook for my angels during weekend
• have space to spend time going through work with the kids 
• spend quiet moments lazing without a care in the world
• laugh, cry, sing and dance freely without a care
• run around having fun with the kids
• invite friends over and have playdate with the kids
• have a corner I could spend my time on my blog

Solo Bliss was setup as result of the challenges I faced. I hope to gather single mummies and in time attract enough talents to create a social enterprise to benefit single mummies in the long haul. Mission is to Love. Empower. Inspire. Join us by going to our website www.solobliss.sg and click “Join Us” whether as a volunteer or single mom.